HNT

Here's a pic I took last week right before I trimmed up my beard. Spent this morning cleaning up the backyard, raked up over 3 bags of leaves. Also seeded the bare spots in the backyard.

God its nice to be outside!

MELONS!!!!!

 

Another JoAnn Worley moment on Laugh In.

Everyone needs a place too Laugh In

 

One of my favorite shows as a little kid was Laugh In. Here's a pic of JoAnn Worley in a leather dominitrix outfit. She was just one of my many favorite actors on the show.

Thursday night Freakout

I got home from work last night and the cat was freaking out in the kitchen. He was meowing up a storm and was totally focused on the area above the kitchen sink. Scooby held him up in the air so he could see closer/better. That didn't satisfy him.

Scooby then mentioned that he might of seen a bat in the attic earlier. I'm like "WHAT". He then said, "I think it got out". I'm like, "O...K..."

Let me just say now people, that you don't really know your partner completely until you put him in a room with a bat.

Then I see it...fly into the room, do a circle and fly back into the kitchen.

Me: SHIT! There is a bat in here!
Scooby: Wha...Wha...WHAT! A BAT! WHERE....WHERE

The bat flys back in and this is when Scooby starts screaming like a little girl. I look at him with amazement and think, "Who are you?, and what have you done with my manly man". We hit the floor, Sccoby grabs the cat and gets him out of the room. We turn on the lights, which in the past has made a bat chill and try to hide. NOT THIS ONE He flew and flew and flew, as we screamed and ducked out of his way.

The fucker was flying really low too.

The bat finally lands and hangs upside down on the wood on the ceiling in the dining room/winter living area. I then go in the kitchen and open the windows, hoping he'll fly outside. I then tell Scooby that I'm going to go try and find the tennis rackets to try and catch it. While I do that he gets a garbage bag and tears it open like a small tarp. I can't find the rackets but grab some towels instead, as I hear crashing and thudding in the bat cave.

I reenter and the bat is still flying around and Scooby's whipping at it with the plastic garbage bag. I tell him to try not to piss the bat off. So for awhile we are ducking and trying to throw towels on the bat as it flys past our heads. The bat then flys and lights on the window in the dining room, and Scooby goes to open the window forgetting that he insisted on getting full screens on those windows. He then yells at me to go outside and pull the screen off the window. I do it, all the while expecting the bat to fly in my face as I remove the screen. Luckily it didn't or else the whole neighborhood would of heard me screaming like a little girl also.

I then go look for the tennis rackets again. In the meantime Scooby manages to get it in a towel and get it outside. We go back inside and sit down and try to get our hearts to stop pounding out of our chests.

So if you ever get a bat in your house just chase it around till all parties are tired, including the bat.

HNT

Forgive me if I've posted this one in the past. I'm a lazy turd. Plus I don't know where the camera is right at this moment.

Another beautiful day and I actually felt good enough to spend some time outside cleaning up the yard before I went to work. YEA!

Last night at work after several hours of kick ass pain in my side, I finally decided to head over to the med center to get it checked out. The Dr. gave me a script for Tylenol. Why bother.... He also wanted me to go this morning to the hospital to get a CAT scan at 8am. Fuck that..... By midnight last night I was feeling better and I don't think my health ins. covers CAT scans with out a second opinion. Needless to say it didn't happen.

Feeling better, weathers warming up and so is my mood. double Yea!

Ugh

Had a severe migraine all last week. So stupidly I got shit faced this weekend to dull the pain and then spent an entire night throwing my guts up. Only making the migraine worse.

It was 60 degrees monday and I was to sick to enjoy it. Now I think I've got kidney stones again considering how much pain my side is in. Will blog more later once I'm feeling better.

What happened to Louise?

Ok this is how dislexic I am. I have always thought actress/comedian Julia Louie Dreyfuss's middle name was Louise. I just discovered my error this week. God I'm such a dumbass.

In other news:

Don't ever try to argue with people who are too pig headed to listen. Mainly Christians.

I made the mistake of asking evil nieces sister (my other niece) when she was going to be up so I could avoid her. And she came back with a nasty email saying they wanted to avoid me also because of my comment earlier in the year about having to get a Will draw up so my estate would be left to Scooby instead of their mother. They were appalled to think that I would think they would take everything and leave Scooby with nothing.

Of course they both told me a few months earlier that, "That they do not and will not support the homosexual lifestyle".

Ok they do not support me but will hand over everything to my boyfriend? That doesn't make sense. And I told them that.

Back in January I tried to explain to them that because of organizations like the AFA that I'm being denied equal rights to marry or have a civil union/ or even to adopt. Plus I could get fired from a job ect..

Evil neice came back with, "It's not the homosexuals that are under fire, its religion."

Do you think she could back that up. No, and she felt she didn't need to.

Its days like today I wish I would have been an orphan.

The parade and other shit

Started drinking about noon on Sunday. Went to the parade at 2pm, luckily it was walking distance cuz nobody wanted to drive. Got home and preceded to get shit faced. Sometime that evening Scooby put an old war helmet on my head. Dam thing was fucking heavy and I kept falling over in my chair. I think everyone had a good time... The only good thing about the parade was the guys in their kilts. There is something about seeing those furry stocky legs, it makes me go Woof!

I repeated the joke that I read at Joe My God, about why playing the bagpipes is gay, because their blowing on a stick and squeezing a furry sac. Well I must have told it too loud cuz the straight family near us decided to move away. Oops

My evil neice is going to be in town next week. This is the one that I had a falling out with back in January after she suggested several organizations that would "cure me" of my homosexuality. Fucking bitch! I hope to zod she doesn't stop by my dad's place next Tuesday when I'm there. Dad doesn't know about our feud and I'd really like to keep him out of it. Buuuut if I see her I might feel the need to tell her to fuck off. Sorry dad.... If she gets there before I do I'll just keep on driving and won't stop. Another sorry dad. I really hope I don't see her, but if it happens it happens.

Happy St. Patricks Day!!

Sunday is our Cities parade. Several of us are planning on attending. It's been at least 10 yrs since I've gone, Scooby has never been. So weather permitting it should be fun. Afterwards we're having a hotdog party, using our hotdog steamer we won on Ebay last fall.

The parade was always fun from what I can remember. A bunch of people drinking beer and getting drunk watching a parade. My kind of party!

Weekend recap

Got up Saturday morning and went to play with one of my regulars. Actually it was the first time this year, with me being on vacation and being sick the entire month of Feburary we just didn't have a chance till now.

Then the fun began. Got home and Scooby was awake by then so we headed to the rental center to rent a pipe snapper. Got home and spent the rest of the day playing GI Joe in the crawl space under the house. First removal of the old sewer pipes. YUCK! I did manage to bring garbage bags down so we snapped the pipe in managable pieces bagged them up and dragged them out. We also cut and pulled all the old water and drain lines out. The original drain lines were so horribly put together that one time I ground up potatoe skins in the garbage disposal in the kitchen and they came up in the old tub. Not suppose to happen if done right.

We managed to get the new bathroom hooked up to the point we at least had a toilet, sink and tub. Then Sunday Scooby got the kitchen sink and washer hooked back up, while I started gutting the old bathroom. I managed to get everything out but the tub . Took out the drop ceiling and with that came the plaster above also.

I'll be blowing dirt out of my nose forever, I'm afraid, and I wore a mask. Even my eyeballs were gritty. Hoping to have the shower up and running this week. I'm definately not doing anymore destruction until it is.

Response to Anonymous

This was an anonymous comment on my "I have a dream" entry

Anonymous said...
Maybe if you had a clue as to what you wanted to do with your life you would'nt have to complain about food stamps and eating out more than once a month. You should be pleased that Scooby gets food stamps, without those would you even be able to eat? Stop waiting for the world to wait on you and get off of your asses and make something of your lives other than fucking everything that has two legs and a dick....


First of all my "I have a dream" entry wasn't about complaining. It was about having hope and dreaming about getting out of this rut and getting out of the repressive mid Michigan area.

You are right about me not having a clue about what I want to do in my life. As a child I was never encouraged or complimented on anything by my family. I suffered with ADD and dyslexia which made learning unbareable. Back in the 70's they didn't have those learning disabilty labels, you were just considered stupid. Kids were mean which also made school suck and by the time I got out I couldn't bear to continue on with college.

As for food stamps I'm fucking giddy that Scooby gets them, if it weren't for that I'd still be scrounging through peoples waste baskets at work looking to see if their half eaten lunch was better than the cereal and salad that I've been eating forever.

As for "waiting for the world". I've been working multiple jobs since I was 16. I have never been without work for more than a week. And for the last 15 years almost all my spare time has been spent on restoring and refurbishing my 1880's home. This house is the only thing that's keeping us here, and when its finished it's going up for sale. Have you even been reading this blog....I own one house and have been futively trying to buy a second one. I hardly think that I'm "waiting for the world to wait on me".

As for my sex life. The majority of the action happens on vacation. Which normally we can only afford to go on once a year. At home, I have my bf plus two regular guys I play with and two guys that are "now and then" playmates. I'm hardly fucking everything with two legs and a dick....I fucking wish.

And one last thing, I'm not superficial, a guy doesn't have to have legs for me to fuck them.....

fucking tired

I fucked the hell out of Scooby last night. Didn't get to bed/sleep until after 3am. Then he wakes me five hours later at 8am wanting more. Of course once I'm awake I'm up for the day, so I fuck him silly again.

Once I got to work it hit me. I'm so fuckin tired I can't think straight. To top it off my legs are barely holding me up. My hips and knees ache and my legs are numb to the point I've been taking the elevator instead of the stairs.

I'm definately going to bed earlier tonight.

In other news: I guess I've been too bitchy and whiny lately, people are starting to delete me from their blog lists. Oops....Sorry..I'll try to be more upbeat from now on. I'll have to take my momma's advice, "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all".

I have a dream that:

I will someday live in a cultural and diverse metropolis.
In this new place I won't dread looking out the window on a winter morning.
In this Metropolis Scooby will be able to find a full time job.
and be able to get off food stamps.
I will find a job that is enjoyable and fun instead of frusterating and discouraging.
I won't have to dig returnables out of the trash for beer money.
We will be able to go out to eat more than once a month.
We will someday be able to afford a social life.
We will someday love where we live.

Cabin Fever rant and self doubt

January/February and somtimes March are the worst fuckin months of the year. At least for me mentally. I'm so fuckin tired of being stuck in the fuckin house for the last four months its driving me crazy. I want to be outside in the sun, unfortunately its only 30 degrees and its too fuckin cold. Being cold and stuck in the house so long makes me bitter and I'm tire of being both cold and bitter.

We still haven't found out anything on the house down south. The thought of actually getting it scares me because I don't know if we can handle another project. But I guess being scared is a good thing? I'm so burned out at work and it didn't help that someone tampered with my timeclock so I now have to stay later. Granted it's only five minutes but with a sucky mostly thankless job, 5 minutes is an eternity. God I'm going to be 40 this year and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Other than get the fuck out of this cold.

Last weekend

Last week we got a call from one of our friends that we haven't seen since we've been back from NOLA. They called to see if we we're busy Sunday night. We weren't, so the plan was for him to come over and we'd have a few drinks and play catch up.

Saturday morning we head out to the local home center to get a few last minute plumbing supplies in order to get ready to hook up our new bathroom and disconnect the old one. Once we move to the new bathroom we are going to completely redo the old bathroom. We get home about 11am and there are two messages from above mentioned friend, saying "Wake up, what ya doing, get out of bed" ect.

So we call and he announces that Sunday plans are changed and that we're all going to a boat show and then he and his other half are going to bring stuff over to cook and drink. I tell him that we are planning on working on the house that day and if we get drunk on Saturday we'll be too hung over to work on the house on Sunday. He convinces us to forget working on the house and that they will be over in an hour, that was at noon.

2pm we get a call. They had just left his boyfriends house and they needed to stop at his place, then to the store and they would be over around 4pm. WTF... We could of got at least some shit done around the house had we known that they were going to be over at 4pm instead of 1pm. Shit like this irks the fucking hell out of me. Like we have nothing better to do than sit around all day and wait on someone else.

They arrive at 4pm with cocktails and ribs to cook on the grill. We aren't big grillers, hotdogs, hamburgers and chicken...yes...ribs we have no idea how to cook them. Plus we are both just getting over colds, and its like fucking maybe 30 degrees outside. They were expecting us to cook the meat, no sorry. We are both HIV, getting over colds and its 30 degrees outside. We have no business standing around outside in our condition at these tempratures. Think...people...think.

Scooby made Bloody Mary's and Martini's and we threw together our potato/pepper dish as our friends some what reluctantly cooked the ribs on the grill outside. The drinks lightened all of our moods, the food was fabulous, and we ended up having a good time.

Don't know what happened about the plans to go to the boat show, it was never mentioned.

Last chance

Well it looks like the only way we're gonna get the house in NOLA is if I win the 10 mil. from Publishers Clearing House. The giveaway is tommorrow on "Fat Tuesday".

Wish me luck.....

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA.......

Driving through Mississippi 101

On our way home from New Orleans we had the pleasure of driving through Mississippi. Shortly after we entered the state we were pulled over. The reason...apparently I swerved. I know I didn't swerve, maybe wavered a bit, but I didn't go over the lines. I didn't argue. He asked me to step out of the car and took me to the back and asked:
Where we were coming from? "New Orleans".
Who's the guy with you? "My partner".
Have you been drinking? No.
Have you been doing drugs? No, just cold medicine, I think I might have pnuemonia, (condsidering the way my lungs hurt).
If I search your car will I find anything? No
I'll be alot easier on you if you tell the truth.
Do you have a large amount of cash on you? No not really.
How much? About $250. bucks to get us home on.
Any drugs? No
Any paraphanalia? Um.....yes.

We had just bought a couple of one hitters and rolling papers as gifts for friends while we were in New Orleans.

He asked to search the car. I don't know my rights in MS, but I knew we had no drugs and figured that he'd just postpone us more and get a search warrent if I said no. So I agreed to the search. Our car was packed to the titts and he went through practically everything. He was nice enough to at least put most everything back.

He confiscated our paraphanalia and also both of Scooby's tobacco pipes, and his antique pipe lighter all of which he inherited from his grandfather. Told us that he was going to let us off this time. Apparently paraphanalia is a 1,000 fine per person in MS. Also told us if he ever pulls us over again that he'll take us in next time.

After we were let go, we ended up seeing several out of state vehicles pulled over and being searched. Scary.... From now on we won't have paraphanalia of any kind on us.

Needless to say I will never spend a fucking dime in the state of Mississippi again. It takes a full tank of gas to drive the entire state, so I'll make sure to fill up before we cross the state line. I really wish there was a way to get to NOLA with out even going into MS, but its too far out of our way.

I told this story to a friend of ours from Louisianna and they said luckily they didn't have to come bail us out of one of those "INFAMOUS MISSISSIPPI DETENTION CENTERS".

I had no clue the state was like this. Obviously Hollywood does a "right on the mark" portayal of southern cops.

"What we have here is a failure to communicate" Cool Hand Luke

A dream is just that

Well its been a roller coaster of a week. We made an offer on the fixer upper in New Orleans and it was accepted. I found out this week that no banking instituion will do a mortgage on a house that isn't "move in" ready. Especially if the roof is tarped over. Fuck 90% of the roofs in New Orleans are tarped right now. Several of the banking institutions didn't even return my calls.

I thought that I could borrow against my retirement.....Nadda Even if I lost my job I couldn't touch my retirement until I'm 55 and then I could only access 10% made in payments over 9 yrs.... I don't have enough equity to borrow it off the house in Michigan either.

So basically we're fucked. Trying to have an American dream is too frusterating, I don't know why I bother. I might as well get used to the fact that I will probably be stuck here forever. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, but what choice do I have. Thought about just renting down there but rent in the non effected areas has tripled since Katrina.

I have a few more calls to make but I'm not holding my breath.

Greetings from New Orleans

Hey babies how ya all doing? We made it down in one piece I managed to beat the cold before it beat me. Its been quite abit colder than it was during Christmas, but its suppose to warm up though out the week. We looked at our first house yesterday. Definately a fixer upper but nothing we can't handle. Gonna go back and take another look later this week and check out another place or two while we are at it.

Made the mistake of having "the hair of the dog" Saturday afternoon and continued on till I "crossed over" and expierenced an improper dismount off my barstool and ended up flat on my back.... That was about 6pm, the first parade of the Mardi Gras started at 7pm. So needless to say I missed the fucking parade and am still kicking myself over it.

After depositing me back at the apartment, Scooby headed back to the Phoenix and ended up getting put to work as the doorman checking id's for the evening. We haven't even moved down here and he's already working...definately a good sign.

Well thats all for now. Hope everyone has a Happy Valentines Day. I already spent the morning pounding Scooby into the mattress. So he's a happy little dog.

See ya

Somewhere in Memphis there's one tired puppy

Everyone's been coming in to work sick lately making the building that I clean one big cesspool of germs. Monday I kept hearing someone coughing up chunks of their lung. Here I'm going on vacation Friday......thanks alot! By late Monday night I had started to develope a sore throat......Great! I decided then that I was going home sick and that I wasn't coming back this week. So I notified work that I'll be out sick for the rest of the week to try and beat this cold before my vacation starts on Friday.

I got home and Scooby and I turned the weather channel on and found that they were predicting a snow storm from here to down south on Wednesday. Sooooo we fled this morning. 12 hours on the road and we're 2/3 of the way there. We're sitting in a little motel down the street from Graceland. I'm drinking some "Airborne" and tending to my sore throat and blogging abit.

Greetings from Memphis

Tomorrow New Orleans

Since I will be on the road next Thursday, I've decided to post two pics for Half-nekkid Thursday.

Half-nekkid Thursday double exposure

Great refrigerators of New Orleans

Imagine living in a city that everyone had to throw away there refrigerators all at once. This is what happened in New Orleans after Katrina when the electicity was shut off for months.

There were a few still setting out to the curb when we were there over Christmas. They had been out so long that people started using them as message boards looking for lost friends and loved ones. Others just to vent their disgust with the government and a place to show off their graffitti expertise.

Follow the link in the title to see a pic page of some of them.

I hate Michigan!

Tuesday morning...freezing rain causing accidents and traffic pile ups/back ups for at least 4 hours on the highway.

Friday night at work during my break I decided to get online and check email ect.. I was only online for about 20 min. and within that time it went from chilly and dry with no snow outside to 2 fucking inches+ of the white crap. It fucking snowed and snowed and snowed. After hours of the non stop blizzard I decided to head home an hour early cuz who knows how long it would take to get the 20 miles home. Luckily I left at the right time and the highway had just been plowed.

Decided to wait till morning to remove all the white shit. The snow was so fucking heavy that I almost blew up my little snow blower. With the help of Scooby we got the driveway and sidewalk cleared in about an hour. It warmed up during the day and melted some the the crap.

Saturday evening went out to pick up pizza for dinner and almost slipped on the severely icy stairs. Got salt out and salted the side steps and then headed to the front steps to salt them. What I didn't see is that the porch itself near the front steps was all icy and frozen over. And like a slap stick comedy I took one step on the icy porch and my feet flew right out from under me and I landed on the steps, with my elbows hitting first. At first I thought I broke both of my arms, but luckily their just very very sore.

After all this I told Scooby, "We are sooooo out of here!" I've had it with this cold fucking weather. We both can't stand to be cooped up in the house 6 months out of the year either.

SO the game plan is....We are going back down to New Orleans from Feb. 9-19 and looking at real estate. This is the perfect time, we now know what areas that we don't want to live, the flooded ones of course.

Hopefully this will be the last winter that we will spend in the God forsaken state of Michigan. Our friends think were crazy, but I'd rather be swept away in a hurricane or flood than deal with another fucking winter. At least down there you have plenty of warning and can leave before hand.

The link between Orange juice and homophobia

First of all Anita Bryant. She was the epitomy of Florida Orange Juice commericals back in the 70's and also main anti-gay campainist.

Second my homophobic niece gave me a coupon for a free container of Minutemaid Orange juice for Christmas. This is the niece that recently emailed me all the bible scriptures condemning homosexuality. She also sent me links to organizations that would reprogram me and save me from my sin of homosexuality. WTF!!! Needless to say she is so off my Christmas card list.

Third, After drinking a glass of the said OJ I did hate myself just a little. I dumped the rest down the drain. Unlike my niece, I am not a hypocrite and refuse to except any gifts from people who don't repect my life. I call her a hypocrite since she will not go to restraunts that sell alcohol, but she works for an Airline and flys everywhere on planes that sell alcohol. HYPOCRITE!

The return

Well I'm back. Scooby and I had a wonderful time in New Orleans. The city is battered but bouncing back. You can barely tell in the French Quarter that anything happened. There wasn't as much men down there this year so the sordid stories are few and will share soon.

In other news: I blew the door off my closet while I was on vacation. You see my family and I have a don't ask don't tell policy. Granted I take Scooby to all family functions and sign his name to all Christmas cards but nothing has every been discussed.

Well I sent an email to several friends and a few of the wrong family members about "The Book of Daniel" that is too air on NBC. Well my condemning bible banging bitch of a niece replied to it condemning us all. I skimmed though her email too angry and upset to actually read it, I figured I'd deal with it once I got home. Don't want to ruin my vacation vibes. Well little did I know that she sent it to everyone that was included in the first email I sent. Boy did that open up a can of worms, actually more like snakes. My friends and my two nieces have been feuding all week. They didn't like it at all having scripture thrown back in there face. Needless to say I have now excommunicated myself from my one sisters entire family. With a big long letter pointing out all there hypocriticies. Yea Me! I felt so good after writing it that I've decided to go off antidepressants.

This was a long time happening and much needed.

Postcard from the Past

Little Theatre Courtyard 

Here's a old postcard that Sugar Daddy gave me for Christmas.
The back reads:

Unusually attractive courtyard of Le Petit Theatre du Vieux Carre, more popularly known as the "Little Theatre". It is located at 616 St. Peter Street and boasts a membership of some 2000 subscribers.

New Orleans- America's Most Interesting City

Don't think I'll be doing much more blogging till I get back from vacation on Jan. 7th. So hope everyone has a Happy Holiday! With all the hoopla there is lately about which holiday greeting should be used (stupid crazy christians). Scooby and I thought why not combine them so Happy Chriswanzakkah! Actually that sounds too much like swastika so maybe not...

OMG! I just saw the trailer for "Running with Scissors", Augusten Burroughs memoir of his crazy life growing up. Joseph Fiennes is playing his adult pedaphile boyfiend. And I think Annette Bening is playing his crazy lesbian mother. OMG! I can't wait to see the movie. Unfortunatly its not coming out till fall of 06.

WTF!! That's an awful long time to tease someone...

Here's a link to one of our favorite New Orleans stories, "The Adventures of Pukey Peggy". enjoy!

High

I'm so fucking high! Not drug or alcohol induced high, but a natural "last day of work" high. YEA! No more vacuuming and mopping up salt for the next 18 fucking days! I do have a 2 hour house cleaning job tomorrow but that's nuttin. This has got to be the longest time I've had off of work since I was 16....I think. God if I felt this good all the time, I could rule the world.

When I was really little we use to spend Christmas eve at my grandma's (mother's side) and Christmas day at my other grandma's (father's side). By the time I was in third grade my mom's mom had died and my dad had retired. Mom hated the winter's as much as I have come to, so we started snow birding out to Tucson. We'd stay in Michigan until Christmas then the day after we'd tear down the tree load up the trailer and hit the road...

Now. I have a job that gives me the week between Christmas and New Years off with pay and Scooby and I have been going to New Orleans for the last 4-5 yrs for a week over the Christmas Holiday. Funny how life repeats itself. I'm really trying to resist the urge to tear down the tree before we leave on vacation. I keep telling myself, we're going to be back in a week, I don't have to tear down the tree. It's not like when I was a kid and we we're gone till school got out for the summer.

I'm going to try and leave it up.

In other news....I sold one of my snowmen birdhouses today. Personally I thought that the Gallery was asking too much for them and didn't expect them to sell. Asking price...$42 bucks...ouch! I get $25 of that so I'm happy. Funny thing is it was bought by the person who used to run the Gallery...and I though she didn't really like me.

I can't believe how much I'm blogging. I used to post only twice a week. Now sometimes it's twice a day. Don't get used to it though cuz once I'm back from vacation and get done telling all the sorted tales of the event I'll probably fall into the winter blah's.

Gonna do a little bit of work on the house before we leave next week. Gonna try and at least crawl under the house and insulate the floors....and run some more water lines for the future second bathroom. Fun Fun

My favorite Christmas song

This has got to be the most annoying Christmas song ever and I love it...

Nuttin' For Christmas
S. Tepper, R. Bennett, 1955

I broke my bat on Johnny's head;
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in sister's bed;
Somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug;
I made Tommy eat a bug;
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I put a tack on teacher's chair
somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair
somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants
climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled the sugar bowl with ants
somebody snitched on me.

So, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I won't be seeing Santa Claus;
Somebody snitched on me.
He won't come visit me because
Somebody snitched on me.
Next year I'll be going straight;
Next year I'll be good, just wait
I'd start now, but it's too late;
Somebody snitched on me.

So you better be good whatever you do
'Cause if you're bad, I'm warning you,
You'll get nuttin' for Christmas.

Weekend recap

We went out to the "Berg" on Friday night and tried to drink the world. The place was packed with Holiday revelers. Stayed till close, went to an after bar party, drank more, then went home and had another drink. Partied till 8am...Oy vie. Slept till 3pm Saturday. After leaving the after bar party things got fuzzy....I think we had a three way, but I'm not sure.

One thing is for sure....No more after bar parties!


Christmas baked goods 

Sunday was spent baking for all our close friends for Christmas gifts.

Total baked:
6 loaves of bread
6 dozen Pecan Praline mini muffins
2 Apple crumb pies

And now I'm done for the season.

Good news and the Peppermint spray from Hell

First of all got some good news this week. We're going to be able to stay at our timeshare down in New Orleans. Not our 1 bedroom unit but the main floor effeciency, which is fine by us. Everyone thinks were crazy for going down there, but we don't care, it will feel good to help out their economy by spending money. Plus we'd rather spend the Holidays in a moldy city than up to our ass's in this fucking snow.

My God, we got so much fucking snow yesterday. I shoveled and snow blowed twice and by the time I got done I was too fucking tired to go to work. I got a letter from RCI (the timeshare trading co.) and their giving us a bonus week because of all the trouble with the hurricanes and all. So I think we're going to try and use it in NYC this coming year and stay at The Manhattan Club if they have an opening....sounds fancy.

One thing you all don't know about me is that I'm a garbage picker. I prefer recycler but what ever. It's now illegal at work to garbage pick but before it was I found a small bottle of peppermint spray for the bath. The directions on it read, "Spray into the steam of your shower". Well at the time I found it I sprayed it and WOW! was the shit potent. One little wiff and my sinus's opened up like they never have before. Well I took it home and Scooby and I used it as directed. What it didn't say was don't get it on your skin cuz it burns like a muther fucker.

I got it on me and it immediately disovled the soap bubbles on my arm. For hours after my arm felt all warm and tingely. We learned quickly that one spray was all you needed and preferably spray it over the shower curtain so it just got into the steam in the bathroom not in the shower.

What we failed to do was warn guest's.....

Our friend "K" hangs out with us and often crashes on our couch. Well he took a shower one morning and I was in the kitchen making coffee ect. and I started to smell the peppermint spray, but by that time it was too late. I figured, well he's not screaming so I guess he's ok. After his shower he came out and said WOW what the Hell is up with that spray. I apoligized then for not warning him...it completely slipped my mind. He then admitted that he sprayed it like 5 times in a row and then cowered in the bottom of the shower until it was gone. OUCH! He said that he learned a lesson and will never again use other people's bath products.

Today I took a shower and sprayed the stuff over the curtain like we have learned to do. Then after my shower I threw the towel that was on the floor over the tub and sat on it while I trimmed my nails. All of a sudden my ass was on fire. I thinking what the fuck, what the fuck, why is my ass on fire. Then it came to me that I sprayed the peppermint spray over the shower curtain and it directly fell onto the towel which I then sat on. I'll be God dammed... I tried to wash it off with a wet wash cloth...nadda. I then danced around the kitchen not knowing what to do as my ass tingled and burned. Scooby then recommened that I try some baby powder, cuz it's absorbent. Thank god it worked cuz it felt like it was burning me a new asshole....

Half nekkid Thursday

I recently ran across RJ's blog What the... and he had half naked Thursday. So I thought I'd participate. Here's a pic of me taken today. Not as hot as the ones below that were taken 10 yrs ago I'm afraid.

Time has a way of doing things like that...

Me about 10 yrs. ago

 

 

Pics taken by my friend and photographer William Urbanowitz of NYC.

All I want for Christmas is a new douche bag...

Did I miss something....did douche bags become illegal in this country with out me knowing?

I've been looking all over the place for a new hot water bottle with the douche/enema attachments and can't find one anywhere. Went to a couple of Walgreens, a Rite Aid, and Kmart. Kmart came the closest with a hot water bottle but no attachments.

WTF!!!

Is it against the law to douche anymore or what? Obviously several people must of shoved too much water up their holes and sued or something.... But why should the rest of us go with out, just put a warning label on the son of a bitch like everything else for fucks sake.

Or maybe...just maybe its the "IT" Christmas present of 2005 and everyone is just sold out.

Is there a black market for douche bottles?....The search is on .

Translation Tuesday

Right Wing Conservative: Just fancy words that actually mean "NAZI".

Oy what a weekend

Saturday was my family Christmas gathering, which went well. Started at 11am and we were done and everyone was on their way home by 4pm. We don't mess around... During the party my sister said, "Hey Mike why don't you tell everyone what's going on with your timeshare." Fuck why don't ya just stab me now. I don't know why it is, but my family really gets a kick when another one is down. I really didn't want to discuss it since everyone thought I was stupid to buy it in the first place. I ended up saying that it looks like we are going to be able to stay there, which is possibly true, we just haven't heard back yet. Today I recieved a letter from the timeshare organization that our timeshare belongs to and they're giving me a bonus week for $199., wish I'd of known that Saturday.

Got home and Sugar Daddy arrived by about 6pm bringing gifts. This year we got T-shirts, mine has a squirrel on the front and says "I'd like to hide my nuts...in your mouth." Which is funny but totally not me, I don't like having my nuts sucked on, they're very sensative, thank you very much. Scooby's shirt says, "The only job I want is a blow job" which suits him perfectly.

By the time SD showed up I had already had most of a 40 oz. beer and he brought us a bottle of Jim Beam for Scooby and a bottle of Skyy vodka for me. Note: I should never make drinks after I've started drinking, cuz I end up making them too strong. Needless to say I made myself a couple of vodka cocktails and a within a few hours I was laying on the bathroom floor barfing my guts out. Poor SD didn't even get a blow job. Oops... If I'd of had dinner I probably wouldn't of got so shitfaced...

I haven't said anything but since my Dr. recommened that I lower my cholesteral through diet, I've lost around 20 lbs. and I wasn't over weight to begin with. I took a couple of pics of myself a week ago and thought god I'm thin.. too thin. As I was laying there in my underwear on the bathroom floor getting sick and feeling like shit, and looking all frail and skinny it scared me. I don't feel invincable anymore.

Sunday we had a hotdog party. I bought a hotdog steamer on ebay for $25 bucks a few weeks ago so we invited our friends over for hotdogs and nachos. Needless to say, I only had two drinks that day, 1 large glass of beer and then 1 vodka and tomato juice. We had a great time and everyone loved the steamer. Can't wait till we can use it for our 4th of July party.

My gayest Christmas Decoration

 

Minerva dressed in her Christmas attire.

This is my gayest Christmas decoration. What's yours?

Thoreau

"However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse."
Henry David Thoreau

I ran across this quote today. I had cut it out some time ago and saved it. It always gives me a good perspective on life.

How fucking FEMA ruined my vacation

For the last 4 yrs. Scooby and I have spent Christmas/New Years down in New Orleans. For three of those years we stayed at this little rundown hole in the wall hotel cuz it was the what we could afford. The beds were old with springs that might jab ya and several of the people that stayed there were kinda scary, but for 650. a week we at least had a place to crash. Upon check in they would give you the list of rules.

1. You must be clothed outside of your room.
2. It was 10 bucks per person if you had visitors.
3. Leave the key to your room at the front desk when you go out.
4. No smoking in the hallways, but once your in your room you can smoke like a broken toaster.

Last year I finally bought a timeshare down there. For a few grand we got a one bedroom apartment with full kitchen, off street gated parking in a grand old Mansion. Yearly maintenance fee for our week is 300.. Thats a big Fuck Yes! We stayed for the first time last year and it was fabulous, we actually had a fucking living room to hang out in and a place to store and cook food.

Well we call down there after the hurricanes and the elderly couple that run it are still in Atlanta but they tell us that we can still stay but we might not have phone and cable, no problem. We just want to go down and show our support of the city. We call back and are told that...well there is some ceiling damage to some of the apartments. Ok, its three floors and ours is on the second floor it shouldn't be too bad. Now were told that FEMA is staying there and we probably won't be able to stay this year. So we check into trading timeshares, cuz that's what timeshares is all about and find out that ours is considered closed and because of that its unlikely we can trade.

WTF!!! So I have over two weeks off over the Christmas holiday and no fucking place to go. I watched "Ellen" the other day when Harry Connick Jr. was on and he said that NOLA really needs the tourism to keep it afloat. Why the fuck is FEMA staying at our timeshare when the town is filled with grand hotels they can stay at. We look forward to this vacation all fucking year and we were really looking forward to going down and helping out the economy by spending fucking money.

Well FUCK YOU FEMA! Haven't you done enough damage you stupid muther fuckers...

Praline Mini Muffins

Praline Mini Muffins 

1 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup flour
3/4 cup melted butter
2 eggs beaten

Mix all of the ingredients together in a bowl. Spoon into miniature muffin pan. Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees. makes 24

OMG! These muffins are the fucking greatest!

Paranoia self distroya

Some major shit is going on with the computers at work. The first two I tried to use didn't have any icons in order to get online. Now I can't view my blog page. All I get is "The page cannot be displayed". So much for catching up on everyone's blog. SHIT! I don't know if its just the computers fucking up or maybe they did something to them to keep me from using them.

I've been becoming kind of a site meter whore. My hits are going up but most visitors are on for about 0 seconds. One reader is on alot, then I discovered that it was coming from a computer at work but at a location in another part of the state. We do have locations all around the country plus people can have work hook up at home, but it's making me a little uneasy. Maybe I'm paranoid.

So if anyone at work is listening: I get my work done, in fact I do a dam good job. Because of my medications I have chronic fatigue and I have to take alot of breaks in order to function. I spend these breaks online writing in my journal/blog and reading others blogs/ MSN news ect.. If I couldn't take my breaks online, I'd just be sitting in a chair staring at the walls.

So if I'm not paranoid and this is becoming a problem then please let me know.

Anyway if I'm not commenting on peoples blogs much, its because I don't have access. I don't have alot of time at home to be online cuz, well I work fifty million jobs just to make ends meet. Lets hope I'm just being paranoid....

The smart shopper

Got up this morning at dawn's crack to head into Saginaw. First stop was to get my bloodwork done since I have a Doctors appt. in a couple of weeks. Had a handsome furry bearded guy take my blood. Normally its all women so this was a very pleasant change. Then I got to my house cleaning job on schedule at 8:45am. Cleaned and then headed to Old Navy cuz I wanted to check out the coats that I'd seen online for $39..

I was looking for a new winter coat for work cuz I've been wearing the one that I have now for.....um.....22 years. Yes folks 22 yrs. my parents bought it for me when we first moved back to Michigan right before I started 11th grade. Now how sad is that. But it was a good warm coat that covered my ass. I absolutely hate coats that you can't raise your arms in without getting a freezing cold blast of air on your back.

Anyway, got to Old Navy and found the winter coats. Reversible, machine washable, and black, with at least four pockets, that's just what I need I'll take it. While I was there I decided to browse around and found the 75% off rack. YEE HAA! Ended up buying three T-shirts, one long sleeve shirt, a pair of shorts and the winter coat all for $50 bucks! FUCK YES! As Emeril would say BAM!

I normally hate to shop, but its days like today that make me one happy shopper...

Riding in cars with my father

So I get to my dad's this morning and he announces that he's taking me out for lunch today. YES! Oh and we also have to stop at two cemeteries. First one to place a grave blanket on his parents grave then the next to hang a wreath on my mothers. No problem. Oh and we have to stop at the store to pick up frozen bread dough. No problem again cuz I need to pick up cup inserts for my mini muffin pan.

We get half way to the first cemetery and my dad says, "Oh I forgot to put on my seat belt". So he buckles up as we continue on. Get to the first cemetery and attach and grave blanket to the ground next to my grandparents grave, collect the faded summer flowers. We get back in the car and this car is hauling ass through the cemetery and heading right for us. I get a little panicky, then the car swerves around us and stops. It was my cousin and her husband just checking to see if anything was put on the grave yet. We chat then head out for lunch. On the way he notices that one of his zip ties to attach mom's wreath has fell in between the seats. He starts fusing and I tell him not to worry about it, I'll get it when we get to the restaurant.

Get to the restaurant and he says, "I forgot to put on my seat belt again, you gotta make sure I do that." Note to self: Don't start car ever again until you make sure dad is belted in. Then he grabs the zip ties that didn't fall in between the seats and raises his hand up, nearly poking my eyes out with the zip ties in his hand. I find the ones that have fallen, and we go eat. After lunch we then head for the grocery store. Get the bread dough but they don't have the mini muffin cups. Do they even make them? Scooby insist's that they do, but I have my doubts.

Head to the last cemetery and hook up the wreath and then head back home. I'm reconsidering switching to marinol, or at least not taking it on days I visit my father. I really need to have my wits about me. I couldn't remember to tell him to fasten his seat belt and also couldn't remember what he needed at the store. We were like two little old men stumbling through life.

Never mix, never worry?

Friday morning I started drinking coffee and Irish creme. Then by around 3pm I switched to beer and bloody mary's. We sat around that evening drinking until we decided to head over to Thurston's and bug him for awhile. Once there we drank a bottle of wine and more beer with shots of whisky thrown in for good measure while Thurston played his records. By the end of the evening I kept falling out of my chair. Note: I was sitting in a desk type chair with wheels which I kept spinning around the room in, until I would fall over. I must have fallen several times cuz they quit picking me up and just left me on the floor. I was told the next day that as I laid on the floor that I was either disco dancing or trying to make snow angles, or a combo of both.

At least Thurston's got a clean floor now...

Sometime during all this falling down I smashed the hell out of my right index finger. Sliced it close along the nail and cuticle and the edge of my nail was all ripped and jagged like it had been knawed on. And I don't bit my nails... Didn't even realize it till I was bleeding all over the place.

Why is it I only had 4 beers the night before Thanksgiving and I had a headache the entire next day. But Friday I practically drink myself to death and Saturday I feel fine. I don't understand that.

Went to see the first showing of "Rent" today. Scooby and I and one other guy had the entire theatre to ourselves. Just the way I like it. The movie was fabulous! I got kinda weepy through out the movie.

Think I'm gonna stop the Zoloft by next week. Gonna start taking my Marinol on a regular basis instead. On it, I'm so much more "with it" and motivated to work, plus shit don't bother me. It gives me an "eh fuck it" kinda of attitude about the things that bother me that I have no control over. We'll see...

Pre Turkey Day stuffing and Holiday recap

Ok so Wednesday night at work I start to get a cold sore. Fuckin Great. Luckily I always carry L-Lysine with me so I start to overdose on that to kick Mr. Cold Sore in the ass and kill him before he becomes Mt. St. Helens. I get home and have a few beers and decide what the hell lets try to get cleaned up so Scooby can fuck my hungry ass. (note: getting "cleaned up" lately has been a real challenge, after the second bottle of water and the toys are still coming out with a chocolate dollop on the end it's just time to give up) Amazingly enough I got my kitty clean, Praise Jeebus. So needless to say Wednesday night I got my ass reemed but good. Have decided that doggie style is my best position since I can drink a beer, smoke a cigar, and hit on the poppers at will. We ended up fucking till about 2:30am, I considered calling in a fuck bud to join, but decided it was a little to late to be calling.

Scooby woke me up the next morning at 7fucking:30am wanting more of my ass, but I just couldn't do it. First of all 10 hrs of work and then only 5 hrs. of sleep = one cranky bitch. Second, he packed me with enough air the night before that I felt like Violet Beauregard as she was turning into the blueberry. I didn't dare fart in bed without blowing the bf's load from the night before all over the sheets. It was time to feed the cat so I got up did that and then tried to get rid of all the air in the lines.

Turned on the TV, only to hear the "Today" show predict a foot of snow for Michigan for the day. FUCK!

"So if there's no place to go...Let it snow, Let it snow, let it snow."

Well I do have someplace to go...SO STOP FUCKING SNOWING! Still not feeling all that great I went back to bed and let Scooby at least fuck my ass crack till he filled it with his hot man goo. We then got up and started watching the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade which always makes me a little nostalgic. The first thing I saw was a bunch of kids singing with a choreographed number and all. They were great until I listened to the words of their song. "I'm thankful for my cell phone", "I'm thankful for my computer password" blah blah blah.....WTF Welcome to the United States of Shallowness and Greed. Who ever wrote that song should be slapped right out of their Dolce & Gabbana's. The rest of the parade was cool though so I regress. Luckily the snow stopped and we were able to trek the 30 miles to my sisters place for dinner.

So now I sit drinking my Irish creme and coffee and am getting ready to veg infront of the TV. Anyway Happy Black Friday to all you shopaholics.

Hobble Hobble....Happy Turkey day!

We are getting our 3rd snowfall and it isn't even Thanksgiving yet. This is not a good sign. Me thinks we are gonna get slammed this winter. We've got at least a couple of inches so far and I didn't bring my boots to work and my left tennis shoe has a hole in the heal. SHIT! So for the rest of the evening I'll be hobbling around when outside trying not to get my left heal wet so I don't end up with a soaker.
God I love winter....

Tonight is my last night of work for the week. YEA! And I'm all set for the time off, got my 30 pack of Milwaukee's Best and a fifth of Carolan's Irish creme for my morning coffee. Carolan's IC is 1/2 the price of Bailey's and just as good, or at least my pickled liver can't tell the difference. Tomorrow we will head to my sisters for Thanksgiving dinner. But before that I plan on watching the Macy's parade, this is one of my favorite things to do. After dinner we plan on watching "Christmas with the Cranks". Then after eating pie we're heading home and I'm gonna get drunk. Wee ha!

Here's a list of things I'm thankful for:

1. Our health
2. Scooby
3. Family and friends
4. Our kitty Mr. Puddyson
5. Food on our table
6. A roof over our heads
7. My job
8. Hot handsome men
9. Guys who love to have their cock sucked.
10. My car

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!

The wake up call

I haven't said much about this and have probably just been living in denial, but Scooby, the love of my life, hasn't been on meds for a year and 1/2. He has problems dealing with all the red tape that it takes when you don't have health insurance and "Family Independent Agency" keeps screwing up his application. He finally just said "fuck it I'm taking a break from meds, doctors, labs, sitting at FIA."

Life for me is overwhelming, being poz with a fulltime job, 3 house cleaning jobs, plus cleaning our house, laundry, cooking, yardwork, ect.. I'm exhausted and felt "My plate is full, and that I did enough in this relationship, I'm not gonna drag him to FIA also." I've been watching this disease for along time and know that people who don't take meds are basically here one day and gone the next. Like I said...denial.

Losing Angreeblkcub was a real wake up call for me. I'm now gonna nag Scooby until he gets his application filled out and if I have to I'll drag his ass down to FIA by his pubes. I've already expressed my concern with him, louder now than in the past, that I want to grow old with him, dammit. So as Cher said in Moonstruck "Snap out of it", with out the slap across the face, that is.


In other news....This weekend "K" and his new beau asked us to go to Bronners in Frankenmuth with them on Sunday. Bronners is one of, if not the biggest Christmas store. I was told one time that they actually supply Hollywood with all the Christmas crap for their movies, but that might of been someone just blowing smoke up my ass....I dunno. Anyway we went there and checked out all the stuff they have. Then went to a couple of specialty stores, one for cheese, the other for fudge. I bought myself a chocolate truffle at each, YUM! Did I mention that I love chocolate truffles.

After all the running around Scooby was getting hungry so I suggested we stop at "Tiffany's" which is this pub/restaurant in Frankenmuth with about a gazzion Tiffany light fixtures. We ordered some snacks and a pitcher of beer. They were having "Industry night" for all the local workers in uniform....$4 pitchers of beer. That got our conversation going on how expensive it is to go to gay bars and why don't they have an Industry night. Pitchers at the little gay pub we go to are 6.50 and they never have specials. On the other hand all the straight bars down the street from my place are always having Draft Pitcher specials for $4 bucks. We drink our pitcher and eat our snacks (note: I say snacks cuz I can't spell Hors'Durvs...see) anyway we get the check and the pitcher of beer was 7.00. I immediately start laughing my ass off cuz its more expensive than the "Berg" after we just got done bitching about how expensive gay bars are and "Tiffany's" is a straight establishment, granted a straight yuppy establishment.

Anyway we had a good time and I'm glad they invited us to tag along. It was just the pick me up that I needed since I had just found out about Angreeblkcub that morning. Wake up call #2 is that life is too short and I gotta stop focusing on shit in my past and everything else that I have no control over. I'm gonna move on and have some fun....

Farewell my friend

Pardon me while I fight back the tears for this post. I just got devastating news from Drink More that Angreeblkcub from No, Dirty Kitty...No!! passed away. He was just finishing up school and getting ready to start his life. I'm both sad and angry that his life was cut so short. He was a great person who had everything going for him.

Even though I've only known you online for little over a year, you left a lasting impression on me that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Take care and I'll see ya on the flipside.

We will miss you deeply Gerald.

*mwah*

I wish I could express myself better. I just went to "into the frey" and Michael did a beautiful post for Gerald, and said all the things that I'm at a loss for.

sNOw

Well it had to happen eventually. It started to snow yesterday. Just light flurries, but snow just the same. By the time I came home from work it had stopped, leaving only a light dusting on a few plants and piles of leaves. This morning I got up and the light dusting had multiplied to every square inch of ground. I dread being cooped up in the house for the next 5 months. Maybe the first good snow fall we'll get drunk and go sledding on the bridge approach behind the house. It could happen...

All in a day

This morning I got up at 8:30am.
Fed Mr. Puddyson our 19 lb. cat.
Raked 4 bags of leaves.
Ran down to the park and fed the ducks.
Went to Walgreens to pick up tomato sauce for my father that was on sale, but were out off. no surprise...
Ran over to Rite Aid and picked up 4 boxes of Smart Start cereal (my favorite) for myself since it was onsale 2 for 5 bucks. YEA!
Cursed at a few rich people driving their Hummer's on the way home.
Gathered up the trash and put it out in the dumpster.
Cleaned the litter box.
Watched "Ellen" at 10am.
Called a friend at 11am.
Spray painted more gourds.
Cut my hair and trimmed my beard.
Took a shower.
Went to visit above friend.
Hung out and drank coffee and watched a recent "Will and Grace" and ate wonderful homemade soup.
Came home got online to check email.
Watched a bit of porn and had a wank.
Then headed out to work at 3:30pm.

Boring as it may be that was my day, at least I got a buttload of shit accomplished.

How was yours?

Crafty Crafterson

birdhouse gourd snowmen 

These are a few of the gourds I grew at my dads house a few years ago. Normally I just sand them, polyeurathane em, throw a perch on and wha la...a birdhouse. I'm been selling them throughout summer in the Art Gallery I clean for. The Gallery director asked me to do something with a holiday theme, so wha la...snowmen birdhouses. You can't really see it but the top button on them is actually the hole where the bird can get in. You also can't see that they're covered in white glitter.

How to drive in Michigan 101

First of all, yes I am from Michigan but when I was a teenager and taking drivers training I lived in Tucson, AZ and took it there. Thank God, cuz this is how I can only imagine drivers training goes in Michigan.


Highway driving 101

1. Don't EVER use your cruise control. You must speed up and slow down constantly.
2. Always speed around other cars, then once your infront of them slow down so they have to pass you. This keeps the driving experience lively and interesting.
3. Stay in the left lane if you drive slower than the speed limit. In all other states this lane is called "The passing lane" and its used for faster traffic. In Michigan it's just the opposite and it's called "The Idiot lane".
4. Always try and cause other people to get into accidents.
5. Drive as fast as you want. Speed limits are for the lame. And besides there's no cops around to give you a ticket. Drive 100 mph if you want.
6. Never look before you change lanes. If you run someone off the road, that's their problem.
7. If there is a semi in front of you and there are a lot of faster traffic coming up on you. Pass the semi and while your passing slow down in order to make everyone else slow down also. The bigger traffic backups you create the better.
8. Stay in the idiot lane (Left lane) until your exit then cut everyone off making them slam on their brakes.
9. If carrying stuff in the back of your pickup, DON'T tie it down, just let the shit fall out. This makes the people behind you better drivers as their swerving to miss your road trash.
10. Do not pay attention to your driving. Driving is for multi-tasking, so go ahead and talk on your cell phone, read the newspaper or catch up on that novel you've been reading.


City driving 101

1. Ignore "One Way" signs on streets. They're for people who have a lot of time on there hands.
2. See #4 above.
3. See #5 above.
4. See #6 above.
5. Its ok to drive in the middle turn lane as long as your going to be turning eventually.
6. Its also ok to use the middle turn lane to merge into heavy traffic. Just continue to drive in the turn lane until you can squeeze into the regular lane, fuck the people who actually want to use this lane to turn off of the road.
7. If you wear makeup, you must put it on while you drive. Make sure to be using your cell phone at the same time and tailgate the person infront of you. See # 10 above.
8. On Sesame Street they teach you that a yellow light means wait. FUCK THAT!
9. If you stop for a red light, your just a big fuckin sissy.
10. Its ok for at least 5-10 cars to turn after your turn arrow light has expired.

Thanks to all the crappy drivers for making this blog entry possible. If you do the majority of these things, you should be shot....

Why I don't garden in the front yard on a weekday

Just to get you up to speed, I live on a busy corner with a stop light. Several years ago I was out in the front yard on my hands and knees pulling weeds out of one of my planting beds with my back facing the road. I was wearing an old t-shirt that had shrunk and didn't overlap my shorts.

A school bus full of elementary school kids pulls up and stops at the light in front of the house. Its a warm day and they have all the windows down on the bus. All of a sudden I hear one of the kids loudly say in a sing song type way,

"I can see your butt crack".

I turn around just as the entire bus load of kids start hilariously laughing and pointing at me. I wave and luckily the light turns green and the bus takes off.

And that is why I no longer garden in the front yard on a weekday.

Weekend pics

 

Here's a couple of pics of a windmill on our friends farm.

 

Saturday

Saturday we went to Mt. Pleasant to visit a friend. On the way we stopped at a Army surplus store to check shit out. Scooby made the mistake of mentioning New Orleans and the guy running the place of course had his opinion. It went like this:

Guy: Those people are stupid for living down there. It's under sea level, they should just scrap that town.
Me: (Sarcastically) While their at it they might as well make everyone leave Florida and California also. With all the Hurricanes, mudslides and earthquakes its all a wasteland. And its only gonna get worse....
Guy: Global warming?
Me: Yeah, they keep chopping down all the rain forest, and we're gonna pay for it in the long run.

That shut him up... Even though I was kinda pissed I did buy a camo t-shirt since it was only 10 bucks.

We had a great dinner at our friends place. He lives out in the country on his grandparents farm. I took pics of his windmill. It was cloudy though, so they didn't turn out to great. After dinner and a couple of hours of "What's Happening" marathon, Scooby was falling asleep so we headed out....into the worst torrential rain storm I've ever driven in. It got so bad that I really should have pulled over, but I couldn't find the side of the road and was worried that we would be rear ended if we stopped. So I continued on and the rain got worse and worse, but we did eventually make it home.

Other than that life's been a complete bore. Got the house pretty much ready for winter. I need to go out and rake up some leaves, fun fun. We went out and picked up 12 more sheets of drywall, more fun fun. Hopefully that will be enough to finish the attic, around the front door and the last wall of our bedroom.

Been working on my bird house gourds to get some ready to sell at the Gallery. They want them to have some kind of Holiday motif so I'm gonna paint them up like snowmen. Don't know as of yet how there going to turn out. I've been having to run all over the Tri-Cities to craft stores for supplies. It's been kind of a pain in the ass, so they better fuckin sell.

afisticated

Tuesday was our friend "K"s birthday. We had all planned on going out to the Berg for drinks after I got out of work at midnight. By 10pm I started doing project work and lost track of time and before I knew it my pager started going off...it was Scooby wondering where I was at...it was 12:30. Yikes! So I fly home and Scooby and "K" are sitting there and I say "come on its 1am if we're going to go out we gotta go".

Then I'm informed that we have to go pick up Thurston, so we fly across town pick up Thurston. Then Scooby forgot his wallet, so we go back home pick up his wallet, then fly into Saginaw and finally get to the Berg around 1:45am...whew. We drink to our hearts content celebrating "K"s birthday and head out at 2:30am only to find my car reeking of gasoline.

OH shit I forgot I had a can of gas in the trunk of my car. I open the trunk and there is the can of gas laying there upside down. Luckily I had a plastic tarp in the back also which helped keep the gas from totally soaking in everywhere. We toss the tarp and the cardboard boxes that I was going to recycle and head home. The inside of the car totally reeking of gas, Scooby rolled down his window and stuck his head out for air. All the while "K" and I are commenting on how the gas smell is turning us on. I don't know what it is but I love the smell of a garage and gasoline.

On our trip home we joke about how much gas fumes it would take to become aphixiated except that I mispronounce it as afisticated. We all laugh and decide that it should be a new word if it isn't already.

afisticated: One who's been fisted so much, that they can no longer hold their mud.

I'm so fucking sick...

Not that I would know about those things personally, I have yet to perform as a puppet....

Note: Giving credit where it is due, I got the "hold their mud" reference from Chad Fox at "Stop touching my food". I actually read it first on Daigle's blog "Salty Sea Stories", who was quoting Chad.

Party details, the new neighbor and Devils night

I think I mentioned that our Halloween party went well. Everyone, ok most everyone had a great time. From what I can remember, no one flirted with me this time, dam but oh well. We we're planning on having "Rocky Horror Picture Show" playing on the TV's all night, but the DVD I ordered hadn't yet arrived, and our vhs tape crapped out early in the evening. We were also going to put various party music together but for some reason after burning the compilation, the songs would skip. Luckily one of our friends brought some great music CD's.

We didn't realize when we invited Murphy that he was the one that infected our other friend "David" with HIV 4-5 yrs ago, when David was only 17. No wonder Murphy has such bad luck and most deserving also. Karma will bite you in the ass everytime! When I found this out, it made me sick. I can't believe he'd do such a despicable thing. Needless to say we haven't seen him since, now that he knows that we're friends with David.

We had an unexpected guest, our new neighbor. He's big and solid like a football player and gay! YES! For the following week I fantasized about how I could run over to his house and be rode by this big ole man. Only to find out later, that it was his grandparents that bought the house, not him, and that he's only 18. His three siblings and 2 cousins also live there. 3 adults and 5 kids...oy vie. He dropped by last Saturday and we took him to another Halloween party that night. He then stopped by Sunday evening, and twice on Monday. When he left Monday he said, see ya tomorrow, and we told him we had to work, so he said, "See ya Wednesday then." Um, ok we like having friends over, but not everyday. Help! Does anyone have any suggestions. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I also don't want company everyday. My sanity is at risk...


Devils night

Sunday we made plans with this horse hung guy that lives up north. Luckily our company left with out having to be asked and a half hour later our date showed up. Needless to say we spent Devils night being very naughty. He took turns pounding the hell out of Scooby and I's asses, leaving us stretched, sore and very happy...

Happy Halloween!

 

Yours truly as "Casper the Friendly Ghost", age 3, 1969.

Finally the tattoo pics

Yin and Yang with Sunburst, taken many many moons ago.

The Absinthians

The Scarab

Spiritualized

 

This morning

Whipped

OMG I'm so fuckin tired. I was sleeping better until a couple of days before the party. It was probably preparty anxiety. With that and clean up afterward I'm dragging major ass.

We had several people at our party that had masks on and I still don't know who they were. I always find that funny, and yet I'm kinda at a loss for words with people that I can't see their face. Must be a backroom/bathhouse thing for me, but when I don't see their face or their cock then I'm stuck in limbo.

I know I've promised pics of my new tatt and will try and post tomorrow maybe even with pics of myself also face included with out Halloween makeup...gasp. I just need to get Scooby to take a few pics tomorrow morning before he goes to work. I promised a certain blogger that if he didn't break his diet and eat a whole pizza that I'd send him a naked pic of myself. He didn't so I'm gonna hold to my promise and send him a pic tomorrow also.

Lately Home Depot has been working Scooby on Wednesdays. So tomorrow is "ME" day and I'm gonna just lay around and post a few pics before I go to work. I'm so whipped this week I didn't even plan a date for tomorrow. When I'm to tired to suck cock, beware Hell might just freeze over.....

The event

The party went great! We should have had a bigger keg cuz we ended up running out and the the drink machine followed suit shortly after. Below are a pic of our friend Jim and Scooby and the one below that is me. Enjoy.. Gotta go to work soon and am gonna try and get some booty action before I have to split. So I'm outta here. Will try and blog more tonight. Later

I'm back. I managed to have time to get cleaned up and let Scooby bang my bootie for a little while before I had to leave for work. So we're both happy campers. I wish I'd of taken more than just a couple of pics at the party, but once things get going I'm just to busy to keep track of our camera. DAM.... Alot of people dressed up too. Excellent crowd of people. The food went over well, dam they majorly scarfed my taco salad. I had just enough for me a serving at the end of the night. The party flew by and I wish it could of lasted longer/forever.

Now I'm back to work trying to get back into the tedious swing of things. Waaaaaaa......

Jim and Scooby 

Me Halloween 2005. No one flirted with me at the party this year. I must have looked too intimidating.

Halloween party rule # 1

Rule # 1. Do not take any vicodin if its offered at this years Halloween party.

I sure as hell don't want a repeat of last years party. If ya'll don't remember I had a migraine last year, started drinking then took a vicodin. Drunk me then didn't realize the ramifications of the mixture and took another vicodin. Leading to me passing out in the upstairs bedroom after the first hour of the party. Missing the entire fucking thing....after all that planning.

It ain't happening this year.

Mountains out of molehillls

I've been slightly stewing about something that happened at work the other day, but wasn't going to blog about it cuz I'm trying to keep this light and happy. But fuck it I can't "Brady Bunchize" my thoughts to make everyone comfy and happy, its my blog damit.

Ok just to get you caught up. Being the considerate person that I am, I gave thank you cards to the two people in my building that sponsored me in the Aids Walk Michigan walk. Basically just thanking them for sponsoring me. This is the conversation that took place the other day.

Nice Lady: Hi Mike, thank you so much for the thank you card, it really made my day.
Me: You don't have to thank me, thank you for sponsoring me.
Two others that were listening to our conversation: Card? What card, for what?
Nice Lady: For giving him money for the Aids walk he did.
Others: Oh
As the others were leaving the one guy pipes up: Gee "Nice Lady" if I walk past your house will you give me money?

WTF is that suppose to mean? I didn't walk for myself. I did it for a worthy cause you cheap ass MF. I'm probably making mountains out of molehills, but it just pissed me off and hurt my feelings. By him saying that it just made me feel like he was implying that I was just scamming the people at work for money. Considering that our University we work for was built by guys who brown nosed little old rich ladies out of all their money, he's got some nerve.

There end of rant...

Channeling Martha Stewart

I baked two pumpkin pies today for the party. It was a first for me doing pumpkin pies and I have to admit they look like they turned out pretty dam good. I also made a gram cracker crust for an apple crisp that I'll be baking Saturday morning. First time for the GC crust also, what a breeze that was.

Tomorrow I'll start cutting up veggies for the veggie tray. Then Saturday morning I've got to bake the Swedish meatballs, apple crisp, and green bean casserole, whip up the nacho cheese sauce, and make two bloody brains. The bloody brains are cream cheese cut into strips then molded back together to look like a brain then pour salsa over top. Easy and fun. I feel like I'm forgetting something...

Ah yes, taco salad...I'm making that too.

I've decided to go as Rob Zombie for Halloween. With the scary wig, plat form shoes, and creepy contacts I should be quite intimidating. hehehe.... As I was throwing the pies together this morning I said to Scooby, "God this is going to be great." And he asked, "What?", and I replied, "The party". He then said that it was good that I was feeling this way cuz usually I'm having a meltdown a day or two before the parties we host. Which is so true, but this time everything is going smoothly and I feel fanfuckingtastic....