Lost

I haven't had much to say recently because I've been depressed. This is normal for me this time of year. It's a combination of the crappy cold weather and the culture shock of leaving New Orleans and coming back to no where. Scooby and I have been talking about moving down there for a few years now, but when it comes right down to it... moving scares the shit outa me. First of all I'm 38, second I have no education or skills. I clean offices and homes here which I guess I could do down there, but seriously I'm fuckin sick of cleaning. I could probably learn to bartend.

What also scares me is loosing the security that I have here, even though its not sure whether our cleaning contract will be renewed or not in fall of 06, I still have the security for the time being. Losing my health insurance would also scare the hell outta me. Granted anything HIV/Aids related would probably be taken care of by Ryan White funds, but anything not related and I'm fucked. Then there's family... My father is in his mid 80's, can I just take off and leave my sisters to take care of him, only to come back to visit once a year. After my mom died my brother retired and moved down south and now we rarely see him. I feel like I'd be running away from family responsibility. On the other hand I feel I need to live my own life.

I hate being gay in a small town... there's no gay community and alot of people aren't very friendly. I think that might be because alot of them feel trapped also and are probably depressed. I've got another 26 more years until I can retire and I don't know if I can do it. I already feel like I've pissed away most of my life so far. We always have fun in the New Orleans gay community but would it be like that if we lived there?

Anyway this is what's been going through my head recently. Basically I have no direction and I feel lost, but whatever happens I will survive.