Monday, November 14, 2005

How to drive in Michigan 101

First of all, yes I am from Michigan but when I was a teenager and taking drivers training I lived in Tucson, AZ and took it there. Thank God, cuz this is how I can only imagine drivers training goes in Michigan.

Highway driving 101

1. Don't EVER use your cruise control. You must speed up and slow down constantly.
2. Always speed around other cars, then once your infront of them slow down so they have to pass you. This keeps the driving experience lively and interesting.
3. Stay in the left lane if you drive slower than the speed limit. In all other states this lane is called "The passing lane" and its used for faster traffic. In Michigan it's just the opposite and it's called "The Idiot lane".
4. Always try and cause other people to get into accidents.
5. Drive as fast as you want. Speed limits are for the lame. And besides there's no cops around to give you a ticket. Drive 100 mph if you want.
6. Never look before you change lanes. If you run someone off the road, that's their problem.
7. If there is a semi in front of you and there are a lot of faster traffic coming up on you. Pass the semi and while your passing slow down in order to make everyone else slow down also. The bigger traffic backups you create the better.
8. Stay in the idiot lane (Left lane) until your exit then cut everyone off making them slam on their brakes.
9. If carrying stuff in the back of your pickup, DON'T tie it down, just let the shit fall out. This makes the people behind you better drivers as their swerving to miss your road trash.
10. Do not pay attention to your driving. Driving is for multi-tasking, so go ahead and talk on your cell phone, read the newspaper or catch up on that novel you've been reading.

City driving 101

1. Ignore "One Way" signs on streets. They're for people who have a lot of time on there hands.
2. See #4 above.
3. See #5 above.
4. See #6 above.
5. Its ok to drive in the middle turn lane as long as your going to be turning eventually.
6. Its also ok to use the middle turn lane to merge into heavy traffic. Just continue to drive in the turn lane until you can squeeze into the regular lane, fuck the people who actually want to use this lane to turn off of the road.
7. If you wear makeup, you must put it on while you drive. Make sure to be using your cell phone at the same time and tailgate the person infront of you. See # 10 above.
8. On Sesame Street they teach you that a yellow light means wait. FUCK THAT!
9. If you stop for a red light, your just a big fuckin sissy.
10. Its ok for at least 5-10 cars to turn after your turn arrow light has expired.

Thanks to all the crappy drivers for making this blog entry possible. If you do the majority of these things, you should be shot....


Kody said...

I'm just wondering how long you had to follow me around to get such a great list!

Doesn't everyone smoke and talk on their phones while driving?!
*Looks around*
Yea... ummm.... me either... :-/

Will said...

Eerily similar to Masachusetts where we have the reputation of being the WORST drivers in the U.S. Red lights here are considered interesting suggestions and the interplay between drivers and pedestrians is a blood sport.

I was SO hoping there wasn't another place like this in the country.

Michael said...

Actually my list is a compilation of things I've witnessed thoughout the years. It really isn't like this 24/7. But I have been known to either be sedated or will say a little prayer before I get out on the road.